What Everyone Gets Wrong About Self-Compassion

By: Esther Lee

You manage to get through another day, and as you crawl into your bed hoping your brain will finally shut off, it only becomes more activated. Or perhaps you just feel so numb by the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that you don’t even know what overcame you. You recount all the things you did wrong - nothing just seems to be good enough.

You don’t feel good enough. You’re exhausted by the emotional suffering, and you really want to just give yourself a break. People tell you “just do self-care,” “you need to love yourself,” “practice self-compassion” - easier said than done. What even is self-compassion?

What it is NOT

1. Self-esteem

   We assume that if we just liked ourselves more, had better self-esteem, everything would be fine. Although years of research has shown the detrimental effects of having low self-esteem such as low motivation and depression, the benefits of increasing self-esteem may not actually be the panacea it is touted to be. Overemphasis on self-esteem has been found to lead to narcissism, self-absorption, and a lack of concern for others. In fact, the more inflated your sense of self-esteem, the more it may lead to aggression and even violence against those who threaten the ego. In addition, self-esteem is very difficult to change. The more you desire it, the more you might see the worst in others to see yourself more favorably. You are constantly in evaluation/comparison mode.

2. Weakness

   We have the tendency to overkill some words, and self-care/love/compassion is probably up there on the list. When people were asked about barriers to practicing self-compassion, 95% of the participants identified self-criticism, but many also expressed that self-compassion felt it was being “weak” or “lazy,” and even a “cringe factor.” They expressed feeling like they would not get as much done if they were compassionate with themselves.

What it IS

1. Way of relating to your emotional pain

   Self-compassion is a way of relating to yourself which involves being open to your own suffering, offering nonjudgmental understanding so that your actions and behaviors are seen in the context of shared human fallibility, and generating the desire to alleviate your suffering with kindness. Do you see all the action-oriented words in its definition? It is definitely not just some passive niceness. It actually takes a lot of courage to stare at the face of your suffering and uncomfortable feelings and to respond to it with kindness, non-judgement, and openness.

2. Healthy coping

   When your self-compassion is genuine, it does not mean that you just brush your feelings of inadequacy under the rug or overlook your distressing emotions and feelings; it means that rather than harshly criticizing yourself for feeling and thinking the way you do, it is actually encouraging the actions needed for optimal functioning and health with gentleness and patience.

3. Benefits

   There has been a significant increase in research evidencing the positive benefits of self-compassion: lower psychopathology including depression, anxiety, and stress; greater academic success and less fear of failure; happiness, optimism, and higher psychological well-being, to name a few. These positive effects actually remain even when controlling for self-esteem; even better, self-compassion can actually buffer the effects of low self-esteem on mental health.

Some ways to practice self-compassion:

1. Mindful of what you’re feeling and thinking

   Sometimes we can have thoughts and feelings that just stick to us that we take as absolute truth. Practicing mindfulness - being present in a nonjudgemental way - to what you are feeling and thinking is an important first step to practice self-compassion. After all, you can’t fight your demons if you don’t know what you are up against. Imagining your thoughts and feelings as passing clouds or leaves on a stream and simply observing them pass by is one way of practicing mindfulness. There are guided video or audio versions to help you practice.
   

2. Treat yourself like a friend & do something that is life-giving

   You probably are kinder to your friends than you are to yourself - we all are. Try imagining it was your friend in your situation, and how you would respond to them. Perhaps you would suggest doing something fun or watching a sad movie so you can just cry it all out. Perhaps you suggest going outside to be in nature or some art form to express the pain that is too difficult to put into words. Let your creativity be there for your favorite person, and practice applying it to yourself.

3. Talk to someone who cares about you

   Sometimes, your thoughts and emotions could be too painful and overwhelming to struggle with on your own. Asking for help and seeking support could be the difficult, yet necessary step. Remember that you are not alone in your emotional pain, and that you share a part in the greater human experience. Go to someone that you know will listen to you and be kind to your suffering, making sure that you let them know that is what you need.
   

My approach in therapy helps clients slow down and gently notice the difficult emotions and thoughts with curiosity rather than judgement. Through a warm, collaborative process that integrates insight and emotional attunement, we cultivate a more balanced inner dialogue together.

If you would like to begin or go deeper in relating to yourself with more compassion, let’s connect.

References

Egan, S. J., Rees, C. S., Delalande, J., Greene, D., Fitzallen, G., Brown, S., ... & Finlay-Jones, A. (2022). A review of self-compassion as an active ingredient in the prevention and treatment of anxiety and depression in young people. Administration and Policy in Mental Health and Mental Health Services Research, 49(3), 385-403.

Marshall, S. L., Parker, P. D., Ciarrochi, J., Sahdra, B., Jackson, C. J., & Heaven, P. C. (2015). Self-compassion protects against the negative effects of low self-esteem: A longitudinal study in a large adolescent sample. Personality and individual differences, 74, 116-121.

Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.