What Everyone Gets Wrong About Self-Compassion
By: Esther Lee
You make it through another day, but when you finally crawl into bed, your brain won’t shut off. Or maybe you feel numb, overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions you can’t even name. You recount all the things you did wrong - nothing just seems to be good enough. You don’t feel good enough. You’re exhausted by the emotional suffering, and you really want to just give yourself a break. People tell you “Practice self-care,” “Love yourself,” “Be kind to yourself.” Easier said than done. What even is self-compassion?
What it is NOT
Self-esteem
We often assume that if we just liked ourselves more, everything would be fine. Low self-esteem can contribute to stress, depression, and low motivation—but boosting self-esteem isn’t a cure-all. In fact, chasing self-esteem too aggressively can backfire, leading to narcissism, self-absorption, and constant comparison with others. Genuine self-compassion doesn’t rely on inflating your ego or measuring yourself against anyone else.
Weakness
We have the tendency to overkill some words, and self-compassion is probably up there on the list. Many people worry that being kind to themselves feels “lazy” or even “cringey.” In reality, self-compassion takes courage. It’s not giving up or going easy—it’s facing your struggles head-on without harsh self-judgment.
What it IS
Way of relating to your emotional pain
Self-compassion is a way of relating to yourself with openness and kindness. It’s noticing your suffering without judgment, understanding that imperfection is part of being human, and responding with the desire to soothe and support yourself. Do you see all the action words in its definition? It is definitely not just some passive niceness. It actually takes a lot of courage to stare at the face of your suffering and uncomfortable feelings and to respond to it with kindness, non-judgement, and openness.
Healthy coping
Self-compassion doesn’t mean ignoring your pain or pretending it doesn’t exist. It means that rather than harshly criticizing yourself for feeling and thinking the way you do, it is actually encouraging the actions you need to feel supported and healthy with gentleness and patience.
Benefits
Research shows that self-compassion is linked to lower stress, anxiety, and depression; more resilience in the face of failure; greater happiness; and higher overall well-being. These benefits exist even if your self-esteem is low. In fact, self-compassion can protect your mental health when self-esteem is shaky.
Some ways to practice self-compassion:
Be mindful of what you’re feeling and thinking
Sometimes we can have thoughts and feelings that just stick to us that we take as absolute truth. Start by observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment. After all, you can’t fight your demons if you don’t know what you are up against. Imagine your thoughts as clouds drifting by, or leaves floating down a stream—just notice them without getting caught up. Guided meditations or audio exercises can help.
Treat yourself like a friend & do something that is life-giving
You’re probably kinder to your friends than yourself - we all are. Try imagining it was your friend in your situation, and how you would respond to them. Perhaps you would suggest doing something fun or watching a sad movie so you can just cry it all out. Perhaps you suggest going outside to be in nature or some art form to express the pain that is too difficult to put into words. Let your creativity be there for your favorite person, and practice applying it to yourself.
Talk to someone who cares about you
Sometimes, your thoughts and emotions can be overwhelming to handle alone. Asking for help and seeking support could be the difficult, yet necessary step. Remember that you are not alone in your emotional pain. Go to someone that you know will listen to you and be kind to your suffering, making sure that you let them know that is what you need.
In therapy, I help clients slow down and notice difficult emotions and thoughts with curiosity rather than judgment. Together, we cultivate a more balanced and compassionate inner dialogue, integrating insight with emotional attunement in a warm, collaborative process.
If you’re ready to relate to yourself with more compassion, let’s connect.
References
Egan, S. J., Rees, C. S., Delalande, J., Greene, D., Fitzallen, G., Brown, S., ... & Finlay-Jones, A. (2022). A review of self-compassion as an active ingredient in the prevention and treatment of anxiety and depression in young people. Administration and Policy in Mental Health and Mental Health Services Research, 49(3), 385-403.
Marshall, S. L., Parker, P. D., Ciarrochi, J., Sahdra, B., Jackson, C. J., & Heaven, P. C. (2015). Self-compassion protects against the negative effects of low self-esteem: A longitudinal study in a large adolescent sample. Personality and individual differences, 74, 116-121.
Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
